I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
