that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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