I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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