dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
