I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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