Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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