I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
