Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
