at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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