I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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