I faked an abortion last night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
