Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
