No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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