HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
