yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
barbara walters just said penis...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
