It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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