i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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