You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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