apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Please don't give away my fajitas
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
