Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
