im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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