What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
