I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
