my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
