I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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