I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
