You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
