you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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