Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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