Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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