So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
