I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
