After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
