Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
