You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
