I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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