Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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