So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
