Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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