this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
