Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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