Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
