You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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