sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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