??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize