I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
