Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
