Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
