We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
