she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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