Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
