Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I intend to get homeless drunk
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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