i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
