How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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