omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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