On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you didnt know i had herpes?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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