the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
